Some days I just feel completely lost in space. Its not like I wake up and think “Today I’m going to cause grief for somebody” but today seems like somebody took it that way instead.

All because I followed one person on Twitter.

I really don’t know how to deal with this particular problem. No amount of talking makes a difference. Nothing I say will change the way they feel about this other person. Yet this jealousy is completely unwarranted and unreasonable. They don’t like it, but they can’t help themselves. They know they’re obsessing about it, but they cant seem to control it.

My philosophy is simple. If I’m not in a very significant relationship with you, you can’t tell me who I can or cannot talk to. No one has the right to decide whether I can be friends with someone.

But that argument just makes things worse.

I could back down, but that in itself is a very dangerous and slippery slope to start down. It sets a precedent and rewards unreasonable behaviour. In a completely inappropriate example, it would be like giving your dog a reward treat for leaving a steaming brown present on your $3000 Turkish rug.

So my choice is simple. I have to hold to my principle and not allow the bad behaviour to control my actions. But doing so may cost me a friendship and more. And anyone that knows me knows that really gets to me in a very significant way. I place a very large value on friendship of any kind.

I will persist trying to talk to this person and trying to continue to be their friend. This is regardless of the fact I know they will make a very strong attempt to reject it unless I give in on this issue. But all friends are important to me. Even unreasonable ones. I may not show it in the way most would expect, but its definitely the case.

Which brings me to the other event of the day. I visited on Wednesday. The dreaded silences were few and not quite so long, but mostly because I babbled like an idiot most of the time. There was obviously an uncomfortable distance there. We sat on complete opposite sides of the room the majority of the time. Oh well. I survived it.

I find it really hard making small talk and simple conversation. I’m pitiful at it. I’m also exceptionally reclusive and so the opportunity to practice conversation skills is pretty limited. I value my friendships, but I rarely spend time with my friends. As unreasonable as it is of me, I always feel like I’m intruding when I visit friends at their homes. And I have no money, so spending time anywhere else is difficult. The trips to Mission Bay for a coffee all but vanished in the past few years.

I find myself retreating more and more now days too. I’m not really sure how I can deal with that either. I find that if I don’t have a specific purpose, going out is near impossible. It was so much easier when I was working because at least then I had not only a purpose, but a discussion point with which I was very familiar and with which I was often expected to talk about.

And so, I retreat more and more as the weeks and months go by. Far more than I ever used to. All compounded by a depression that would surely be a lot easier to manage if I were not hiding away in a cave in the suburbs.

Oh well. Life goes on and I will learn to deal with it I guess.

Oh, the Flagpole Sitta quote was because of the last paragraph from an article I read about signs of emotional abuse. ;-) Was the first thing that came into my head and ironically is the perfect song for my mood at the moment. Also a blast from the past song which is perfect for todays excursion. ;-)