Happy New Year folks. Welcome to 2010. Did you enjoy your celebrations?

I have to admit, I didn’t exactly ring in the new year. I was sitting on my brothers couch, house sitting while he and his wife were off enjoying a summer vacation, and completely lost track of the time. It wasn’t until I heard the fireworks going off that I realised the new year had arrived. So I got up, put the laptop away and went to bed. ;-)

Totally engrossing, I know.

The 2nd was much more interesting for me. I guess you could say I broke the drought in one sense. In what ended up being about 8 1/2 or 9 hours of discovery, I can no longer claim to be a monk. ;-) I guess I’ll have to work on re-establishing that title. Although, from what she’s said that may be difficult.

Bah, too much information? Meh… Lifes like that. I need to talk about something rather personal here, so if you’re not interested, I’d suggest you move on to something a little lighter.

I’m in a bit of a bind. The past likes to come back a lot lately it seems. Difficult to keep focus on myself and the future when things keep popping up to draw the attention back to the past. Normally I wouldn’t care. I tend to spend a lot of time dwelling on the past. But this is starting to really frustrate me and I’m trying to force myself to not think about it. Of course, that only makes it worse. Really don’t know what I can do. I guess its just a case of shuddup and ride it out. Eventually it won’t be an issue any further.

Things have gotten difficult recently. And I don’t just mean the lack of a job and the extreme debt I’m racking up as a result.

Jealousy is something I really hate. I mean, I really hate it in all forms. I really bothers me when I get jealous, to the point where I had to walk away entirely from someone dear to me to stop it being an issue. And it bothers me even more when someone gets jealous of others because they see them as a threat to their … relationship … to me. Relationship is not really used in the “couple” reference here, although that really could apply as a certain person wants a relationship like that with me. But I mean it more in a general way.

I have all but killed off my usage of Twitter because of it and I have severely limited who can see what on my Facebook profile. To the point where it is essentially just immediate family that sees most things and everyone else gets drip fed on a status by status update basis. I really dislike that when Facebook changed their security settings, you could no longer hide your friends lists. That is one of the biggest issues I have on Twitter at the moment. A certain someone sees me following someone else and jealousy kicks in. On Facebook I’d always kept my friends lists completely private to ensure I avoided certain feuds like that from escalating. I can’t do that any more and it bothers me. It has meant that certain people I know well, and would like to have as friends on Facebook, cannot be on my friends list on Facebook because things would just get out of hand there too like they did on Twitter. Different people for sure, but similar situations.

And it pisses me off. To keep the peace and to avoid conflict, I have to suffer for it because other people get jealous and other people cannot understand the concept of “just friends.”

And this is a big issue because I have slept with the person that gets unreasonably jealous over Twitter. I thought that maybe it would settle down and be less of an issue but instead it seems to have just increased their dependence on me. My own fault though. I’m not interested in a relationship with anyone right now. I’ve made that very clear to her and nearly everyone else that has shown an interest. But I get the feeling she is hoping that over time a sexual relationship might develop into something more. She seems to be spending all her time thinking of things that would please me instead of things that would please herself. She seems to be spending a lot of time looking for ways in which she can excite me or entice me further, instead of putting the same energy into finding a guy with whom she can have the kind of relationship she wants.

But I’m caught I guess. The sex was good… Bah, who am I kidding, it was great. Adventurous doesn’t even begin to describe it. But is continuing a physical relationship a good idea? Especially when I know she is already developing an emotional attachment to me and becoming obsessive and extremely possessive. Given I doubt I would ever return those feelings beyond friendship is continuing a physical relationship a good idea?

I really don’t know. On top of everything else, including the extremely bad financial situation and the lack of a job, its a difficult subject to really keep inside my head alone.

No matter what, someone is going to get hurt. I’ve been completely open and honest about where I stand and I cannot control how someone else feels. Is a purely sexual relationship just encouraging those feelings to grow and thus increasing the amount of hurt that will be caused when everything comes to the point? I really have no experience in this situation and that bothers me more than anything else. Nearly in my mid 30s and my life experience is so limited that I have no idea how to deal with a situation like this.

Or maybe I should just accept that I’ve been honest with her and there is nothing I can do that will avoid the hurt when it happens. But do I continue and enjoy the fun, or stop now before the eventual hurt gets too bad?