Have you ever done something and then immediately thought it might not be such a good idea?

I’m feeling much that way tonight. I know why and I’m regretting it a little… But then I also know that there are those that will tell me its a good thing. Getting out of my cave and making an effort to be social and alive!

But all I can think of are long, uncomfortable silences where there really isn’t anything to say because you have so little in common any more. Where once you could talk or not talk and spend all day just hanging out and not even notice the hour drop off, but now you find yourself making up stupid little phrases or one liners to fill those uncomfortable silences.

So why would I willingly and knowingly put myself in this position? Sure, I’m getting out of the house and I’m being social. But is it really social to feel like an intruder in someones life where once you felt they were the centre of yours?

And so I prepare to go visit. To see the new home and talk about inane whatevers. All the while wondering how long till it’d be polite to leave and put both out of our misery.

Then again, I could be completely wrong and it won’t be anything like that. We might talk like we used to and feel comfortable sitting there talking like we used to. There is nothing to talk about, but that won’t matter because we’d just enjoy being around each other again.

Bah, who am I kidding? Too much has happened in the past few years and life has changed so dramatically for both of us. We’re so very different people now.

The two times we’ve met in the past 2 years have been weird and a little strained. The first was right after her divorce and the other was when she’d finally settled most things and was starting fresh. Both of those times things were very weird. The second time I even bought a huge Indian dinner (I LOVE Indian food) to help fill some of the time where we didn’t have to try to talk ;-)

I didn’t go to her wedding because I thought it would end in divorce. I never once met him, but the way she described it left me feeling like it was inevitable. She didn’t even tell me of the engagement till I spotted the ring while we were sitting on the grass up Bastion Point drinking coffee. At the time, I still had feelings for her and I justified it by telling myself that she didn’t want to make me feel uncomfortable.

Uggh… Must stop putting myself through this. I’ve said I’d go. So I’ll go. I’ll get the tour of the new house. I’ll play with the dogs I haven’t seen in 2 years and I’ll sit on the new deck she is so proud of and drink a glass of water or two. Then I’ll politely excuse myself and come back to my cave.

If I’d known I was going to do something so silly as make a social engagement, I wouldn’t have run the clippers through my hair.

No haircut since May, and no money for one, so I run the clippers through with a 1 inch comb. Then, after I wash my hair and comb it, it looks almost like my usual haircut. Hows that for scary? If I’d known that before now, I’d have saved myself the hundreds of dollars over the years and just done it that way every time.

Oh well, 3am, time to sleep. Till next time folks and folkesses. :-P